Wild Horses

See the wild horses

Un-tethered spirit breeze

Guide me through the valley

Come and rescue me

Share me all your freedom

Captive cast from me

Drop the Leeds that bind me

Wash them out to sea

Be like wild horses

Running wild and free

Feel like wild horses

Dancing with the breeze

Want like wild horses

Hearts that can be seen

Dream like wild horses

To find love again

See the wild horses

Hearts as big as dreams

Spread her with your freedom

And show her eyes to me

Guide her down the valley

Give her spirit wings

Show her place is needed

Running wild with me

Be like wild horses

Running wild and free

Feel like wild horses

Dancing with the breeze

Want like wild horses

Hearts that can be seen

Dream like wild horses

To find love again

See the wild horses

Run on past with speed

Take me to the canyon

Where she waits for me

Guide her down the valley

Give her spirit wings

Show her place is needed

Running wild with me

Walking back home

living in the broken glass
waiting on a time thats past
searching to discover me
while walking on back home

how many steps have tired me
walking from reality
blistered feet and heavy heart
further me from harmony

she's on my mind with rainbow hue
while i walk in morning dew
she's on my mind when darkness comes
and lights my heart as warmest sun

will we find each other soon
as love sleeps nearby under moon
will it wake to shine its light
and hold me in the darkest night

i feel her now far from the glass
to sweep me up beyond the past
she comforts as she blankets me
while walking on back home

shes always with me as i step
every move and every breath
and given me a second wind
a reason to be whole again

a second chance had come to me
but is it real or just a dream
is it more than broken glass
and is it ever meant to last

there is no shadow next to me
but more a real living dream
as i surrender to her feel
the broken pieces start to heal

i know that together we
can break chains of reality
and this is all that feeds my dream
while walking on back home

she's on my mind with rainbow hue
while i walk in morning dew
she's on my mind when darkness comes
and lights my heart like warmest sun

Reflections

I am trying to remember the day my Father died but I cannot. My mind is riddled with guilt over this fact because I can’t make a mark on my calendar to go back to each year. I can’t remember the day he passed when the path was laid before him to journey into the next stages of existence. It is not that I am unable to reach acceptance of his passing it is simply that I cannot put a date to it. He has left me. That much I know.

One day my dad was with me and the next he was gone. Should be pretty simple to know when this happened but it is more complicated than that. As an adult I recognize the fact that my relationship with my father has changed dramatically. Gaining maturity let me see beyond past failure with him and made me finally aware of all the good he had brought into my life. As I stand before the mirror today I am very fortunate to see much of what he left behind in me. I can also recognize this in my sister and brothers. What a gift he has left behind.

Remembering my dad brings both happy memories and sad. The months that led up to his passing are extremely sad. I often wonder where he has gone. I also wonder if I will eventually travel down the same path. If it is to be that way, will my children be able to pull out a calendar and mark the occasion or will they be as lost as I am? Or, will they be able to sort out this twisted wrinkle of time which I have not yet been able to do? I only hope my passing is more defined.

I am going to visit my Father today. After Fathers and Mothers leave us behind, the circle of life does not forget how to continue on. I know that I must not forget either. I like to visit my Father. Even though it can be sad it can also whittle down some of the guilt which irrationally still clings to my being. I will not be able to see the wisdom in his eyes. I will not be able engage in current events or conjure up embellished tales of humor, but I go just the same. It somehow brings a little peace to my troubled mind.

Instead, I will go and pay my respects without the hope of enlightenment or jest. You see, my father is not dead in the traditional sense but only a prisoner in his own mind. He is physically alive but unable to function in the reality of the world. I travel to the Altzheimer’s unit where he lives now and I look into his bottomless eyes that remind me of that of an infant who relies fully on the awareness of others capable of thought process. I cannot remember when he became trapped on this path but I somehow can remember more of how he used to be by being in his presence. Yes, I love my Dad. While calendars are constant signals and reminders of my guilt, my Father in body is still with me. See you soon Dad. I love you.

Written before my Dad’s passing

RIP Robert 04/18/07

It has been over a year since the passing of my father and the comforting peace he finally found sits well with me now and completes the circle of acceptance. To say my father is in a better place is such a gross understatement given the bredth of the last few years of his existence. I miss my Dad but having seen the dignity being stripped from him on a daily basis I too have found a certain peace.

In the last hour of my father’s life in this realm I was at his bedside trying to give him comfort, not just as a son but on a much deeper level. I had ceased to be my father’s son in his degenerative mind but was no less recognized as a man that gave him laughter and a listening ear when his words and thoughts became disconnected. There were moments when clarity seemed to shine behind his once wise eyes when he could release the thoughts that no loner contained meaning to the functioning mind but did to him. Those moments were brief however.

As I sat next to his bed with his hand in mine for the last time I experience total love for this man. There were moments when his breathing became labored but it was combined with a clarity in his eyes that had been mostly vacant for years. One moment his breathing became so faint that I though it was his time. In that instant my Dad’s eyes focused on the ceiling and seemed to indicate that we were not the only two in the room anymore but had been joined by something his eyes could only see. Without effort the arms at his side which had moments earlier been burdened with the weight of his disease lifted to the presence that had come for him. In that instant I saw not just my father as I remember him as a young man but someone that had never seen such internal peace. Moments later his last breath escaped him and for this my calendar no longer has room for guilt. I will see you soon Dad. I love you.